Is the Church of Ziontology godless?

The Church of Ziontology is perceived by many as a godless religion. That may be true, in the strictest sense, but it is nevertheless superficially a rather heartless and offensive assessment, in my opinion. Although it is true that Ziontology never specifically states in the Holish Scriptures that there is or there is not a god, it is self evident to the average Ovulating Zetan that there is indeed an all powerful non-existential Post Modern God that underlies all Triality. Of course, God’s powers are truly transcendent beyond the infinite. Indeed, God can do anything, both imaginable and unimaginable with respect to our finite comprehension of His Triality.

For example, the other day, I was on a walk with my Fnord, and He once again further revealed His truth to me regarding His own existence and the origin of our universe. I promptly sat down on the sidewalk, pulled out my sacred black peppermint flavored permanent felt tipped magic marker pen and began to take copious notes on my forearms and forehead, etc. He explained to me that He does in fact not exist, never has, and never plans to. He also pointed out with a chuckle that He himself is technically a de facto atheist. Then He straightened up, ripped His own head off, and then described it as an obvious corollary of His own peculiar ontology. I asked Him if that was not a fatal flaw and logical contradiction, and He answered in the affirmative. I then asked Him if that was not an issue that should be further addressed, and He pointed out that stuff like logical phallusies are just not an obstacle to infinite power, and therefore is not relevant to the discourse at hand. I am not sure what He was going on about there, but He did assure me that it was all totally true.

He then commanded me to stay focused, and He then revealed to me that He had nothing to do with the creation of the universe, and that it was apparently already there when He first started noticing it, some time ago. He said that He would not have created such a thing, and that He never would have any use for a universe in the first place, and the whole thing probably just started as a low probability random quantum zero point energy fluctuation that eventually evolved on multiple levels to become what we see today. He said he was not sure about that, but it seemed likely, and added that He did not really much care one way or the other.

He told me that He thought recursive autocatalytic reactions were by far the most cool thing that came out of the whole spiel so far. But He thought that the related biological evolutionary processes that He had observed taking place for one heck of a long time now was also pretty nifty. He said that He was generally pleased with how things were unfolding, except for the Neocons in the Republican Party, and the horrid state of affairs at FOXNews. He said that He really liked www.theonion.com and www.ziontology.com, but other than that, the Internet was basically a snore. He thought that Christopher Hitchens was pretty good in the past, but that he really needs new material. He recommended that Hitch spend some time with Chomsky (peace be upon him) to get some new schtick.

He then commanded me to let you all know about it. So there you have it.

- X. Con Buzzard

Beware the Potential Truffle Source

PTS stands for Potential Truffle Source. A PTS is a person who, in Ziontological jargon, simply likes truffles, and as a result, becomes uncontrollably and inexorably hostile toward the Church of Ziontology and the Trianetics religion. Since its earliest days, more than two months ago now, the Church of Ziontology has been plagued with problems stemming from the consumption of truffles. According to Ziontological Scriptures, ingestion of certain subterranean mushrooms is a major cause of severe lucidity in many otherwise religiously susceptible people. Therefore, truffles are now officially recognized as the leading cause of all proselytizing problems that are currently facing Z-Org, and they have proven to be a major impediment to the growth of the Church of Ziontology, especially in France.
Recently, an underground subversive group has formed, who anonymously named themselves THETAN, which is the acronym for “Truffle Hogs of the Endo-Terrestrial Alien Nation”. Ziontologists just call them “Hogs” for short, since even the acronym has one more syllable than what most Ziontologists tend to like pronouncing. The Hogs are primarily comprised of specially trained mycologists and haute cuisine chefs, who have as their only intention to destroy Ziontology with deliciously evil truffles recipes. The Church of Ziontology has made great strides in eliminating this dastardly new gastronomic threat. However, the Hogs have recently, actually just yesterday in fact, gone cowardly into underground pantries, hiding to form the "Church of the Hypogenous Edible Fungus", or CHEF for short. That acronym only adds insult to injury for the likes of Jerome "Chef" McElroy, the school cafeteria cook at South Park Elementary School, who is one of the few remaining chefs still trying to keep the faith. Ziontologists tend to refer to members of this new group as the “Chefs”, as the acronym is already short enough as it is already. But be warned, if you are a dastardly Chef, whatever evil you may be cooking up in your despicable saucepans, we will search you down and utterly ruin your appetite, wherever you may be hiding!

David Miscarriage's Big Win

David Miscarriage has once again been awarded the coveted Z-Org Employee of the Month award today. This is only the second time this award has been issued, during the entire two months history of the existence of the Church of Ziontology. David won precisely the same award last month as well, becoming the first ever Church of Ziontology employee to have ever been awarded the award twice within the same flesh cycle. I welcome everyone in giving some lukewarm congratulations to David on his Big Win.
Although David is our first and only employee so far, and perhaps ever, one can only marvel at the feet he has accomplished in winning this award two months consecutively.
Other noteworthy accomplishments of David in previous flesh cycles include his service as secret service agent and counter secret service agent for both the Galactic Confederacy ruled by the deity named Xeno and the Galactic Union ruled by the deity named Zeno. If it were not for David, the Galactic Civil War might not have lasted for eighty quadrillion years, and Predicament II, known as the "Ring of Fire", might never even have happened! So, if it were not for David, where would that have left the Church of Ziontology? One sometimes wonders! Therefore, as a temporary honor to David, for the next month or so, the Ziontology symbol composed of two superimposed triangles will be temporarily designated as "The Star of David". So please, everyone join me, and lets take our hats off to David for a job well done!
Of course no pay raise is planned for David, in spite of his brilliant work. This is due to an unfortunate technicality, since, as specified in Church of Ziontology Holy Scriptures, all Z-Org employees are given only room, board and a fixed weekly pay of just US$24 per week. That works out to just US$1248 per year, which may seem like not that much. But factor in the fact that, as with all Z-Org employees, David has signed an employment contract with the organization for one trillion years. That results in a total payout of well over what he, or anyone else for that matter, is likely to be worth to the Zee Organization over that time period.
Copyright © 2008 StepUpTransform LLC. All rights reserved.

The Ovulating Zetan

In the Church of Ziontology, and more specifically, in the Trianetics religion, the state of the Ovulating Zetan (OZ) is a series of spiritual levels above and beyond the state of Void. The term Ovulating Zetan here is parallel by analogy to the familiar biological term “ovulating”, which in the human case, is the time-critical process during the menstrual cycle by which a mature ovarian follicle releases an ovum as a part of the human organism's means of reproduction. By analogy, the Ovulating Zetan is a state where you are ready to regenerate yourself into a new subjective universe of your own creation. It is also a point where you reach your own identity death, and become one with all spirits in all universes.
Obviously, ovulating is not something that a Zetan does every day! It takes time and effort. It is however, the ultimate state that one can attain, and it has the goal of zeroing in on Zion.
According to principles taken from Church of Ziontology doctrine, your Zetan is essentially nothing other than a true and perfect female nature. Here, the word female is not construed in the dualistic sense of female versus male. But rather, it is taken in the purist sense of the singularity of femininity. This is why many regard Ziontology as a staunchly feminist philosophy, or even anti-male. Actually, it is in a deep sense feminist, but it is not anti-male. Maleness is seen in Ziontology as simply a side effect or a strategy that merely demonstrates the beautiful creativity that is the true essence of the feminine Zetan within us all. Spiritually speaking, the female nurture of Zetan in all of us created the male as a practical device, which has analogous truths in evolution/phylogeny as well as in embryology/ontogeny. There are of course many ancient goddess-based religions going back thousands of years as well as many new age ideas, such as the Gaia Hypothesis, which recognize the creative power of an essentially female nature. But, so far, only Trianetics and Ziontology see femininity in its true glorious beauty and power. In fact, your Zetan, which is your true self, is a much more perfect feminine entity than any human woman who could every physically exist.
Ziontological doctrine also teaches that sexual reproduction and sexual dimorphism is a strategy developed through biological evolutionary processes as a creative approach to increasing flexibility and agility in dealing with environmental change. This is accomplished by way of increasing genetic variation and recombination and it even improves reliability by implementing an impressive genetic error compensation technique. The details on that are too lengthy, complex, and boring, to go into in detail here. But suffice it to say that the concepts are not specific to Ziontology only. Rather they are well developed and documented in the scientific secular world of biological evolutionary theory as well. Check into it, and remember that Google is your friend!
In any case, the idea here is that maleness is a side effect of an evolutionary strategy, and from the point of view of your spirit, the female form is the original true form of your inner Zetan. You cannot physically see your Zetan, but you can resonate with it. And many who have reached the first level of Ovulating Zetan (OZ I), describe it as basically along the lines of looking like a “female sort of science fiction sort of alien looking sort of spiritual entity thingy”. Of course, that description should be taken with a grain of salt, as it is quite impossible to convey anything at Zion in terms that could be intelligible to the average Joe-Blow-Pre-Void on the street kind of dude, who is totally mesmerized by the physical world, such as workplace gossip, ESPN and so on. So your Zetan is basically a woman. Yes indeed, and your Zetan is in fact both the epitome and the epiphany of feminine pulchritude. Go figure!
So that’s all cool. And you are indeed fundamentally female, like it or not. But where does this all get you? It gets you to Zion, of course. Males need not apply. And at Zion, you can do anything you choose to do. No limitations. No rules. It is all just about universal unification, happiness, peace, love and infinite creativity. Hey, girls just want to have fun! And being at the level of OZ I is like being all knowing and all willing of all control over physicality (mass, energy, space and time), mentality (intellect, perception, memory and emotion), and spirituality (love, happiness, creativity and compassion). In other words, you are everything, everything is you, and you have total control.
But, you know about menopause, right? Well that part of the analogy carries over to the spirit world too. In human biology, menopause is the permanent shutting down of the female reproductive system. And that happens considerably before the end of a woman's lifespan. So it is also a ticking time bomb for your Zetan. If you do not learn how to return home to your Zion spawning ground, before your spiritual menopause, you will have run out of luck on the current flesh cycle, and you become a spandrel for the rest of your physical life. And you have to endure the pain of rebirth and the suffering of life yet again for another go around. Don’t you think it’s about time you thought of joining the Trianetics religion, and getting yourself home today, before it’s too late? If you need to learn more, please start by reading our new web site at http://www.ziontology.com/.
Copyright © 2008 StepUpTransform LLC. All rights reserved.

The Etymology of Ziontology

Ziontology is a neologism that is created from eliding the two root words Zion and ontology. Ontology comes from the Greek word "on" meaning being or existence, and "logia" meaning science or theory.
Zion represents the Promised Land in the Hebrew Bible, and is found in texts dating back almost three thousand years. As a place where God dwells, it is obvious that Zion is not meant to be a physical place on earth, such as the modern State of Israel. Rather it is a spiritual realm outside of space and time.
Thus, Ziontology, a word from both Greek and Hebrew origins, is a combination of the spiritual world view of the ancient Greek logicians and the ancient Hebrew mystics. Therefore, it is a combination of mind and spirit.
The Church of Ziontology is often referred to as the “post-modern science of integral health”. So what does that all mean? Well, lets look at each of those words one at a time. The word "postmodernism" is many things to many disciplines, including philosophy, architecture, art, film, drama, literature and music. But perhaps most significantly to Ziontology, it is a rather new direction in philosophy that questions virtually all traditional assumptions in human belief and thought. It is strongly influenced by structuralism, existentialism and phenomenology. It draws on the writings of Hegel, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and Heidegger for inspiration. It tends to involve radical reappraisal of many of the traditionally assumed concepts on culture, language and spirituality. Of course, much more will be written on the topic of postmodernism, and how it relates to Ziontology, in future blog entries. Ziontology is indeed thoroughly postmodern.
The word "science", from Latin “scientia” meaning knowledge, is the systematic approach to discovering how physical reality works using several powerful and effective methodologies. Science involves observation, data gathering, hypotheses formulation and experimentation along with several scientific principles, such as the scientific method, conceptual parsimony, logic, rationality, inductive and deductive reasoning and so forth, to further develop Knowledge of our universe and everything in it. Although Ziontology is not actually a science per se, it is indeed heavily oriented towards science, and uses science as a stepping stone towards spiritual enlightenment.
The word "integral" is defined as pertaining to or belonging as a part of the whole. A popular word these days with a similar meaning is holistic. Ziontology is indeed holistic in that in treats the body, mind and soul as an integral entity.
The word "health" is defined as the general condition and well being of the body or mind with regard to integrity, stability, strength, wholeness and vigor. Ziontology extends this concept of health to include spiritual well being as well. Ziontology is indeed focused on achieving the best possible health for body, mind and soul in an integral manner.
Copyright © 2008 StepUpTransform LLC. All rights reserved.

Please email comments to abysmalbathos@gmail.com
Please also visit: http://www.ziontology.com/

Hello!

Hi!

This is my first blog entry for the Church of Ziontology. Hey, today is my birthday too. Yahoo!

I will be adding many entries here from time to time to help others learn more about the way Ziontology works. But for now, please just start to learn about Ziontology by reading the web site at: http://www.ziontology.com/. There you will find a link to the first draft version of the first chapter of my soon to be published book on the Church of Ziontology.

Thanks... Talk with you all soon again soon

-Peter Thor